Prayer and LOVE are the great healers. All those folks finagling with the The Secret or love potions and money spells need to know that LOVE is the thing that brings you what you REALLY want. I mean, the Love you have inside you, not that stuff you see on "Millionaire Matchmaker". The fastest way to achieving Love is to BE loving. And there you have it! No spells or wishes required!

But times have changed, and while some things stay the same, the nature of relationships is changing. Partnerships are no longer meant to be ownerships or power trips or even codependencies. A new kind of partnership and a new kind of love is here. (or is it so new after all?) The partnerships are becoming open and equal with more independent individuals, and the new love is unconditional, or as my friend Rosie used to say, the kind of love that states “I accept you” instead of “I love you”.

This being the case, I hope we will stop seeing maudlin movies that show two people who can’t live without each other. Well, of course, you CAN live without each other! What did you do for the first twenty or so years of your life? Personally, I find certain romantic dramas portray folks who are obviously severely dysfunctional. Persons who stare into each other’s eyes continuously while the world passes them by are not exhibiting love, but probably are showing the effects of what I call “karmic charm”, and what the Eva Peirrakos' Pathwork books call Eros. This is an immediate and heightened level of attraction where the beloved appears golden in every respect. I say, give it a few years! In some cases, only a few months are necessary for the spell of Eros to wear off, and then, so does the so-called “love”. Obviously, it never was love in the first place, because love is NOT this romantically blissful entwinement so often depicted in movies, dramas, and books. What’s demonstrated is really just infatuation. And, really, who wants that?

Okay, I see a few of you raised your hands. Y’all are obviously immature, narcissistic egos or needy love-starved, just-dying-to-be-codependent souls. Or maybe you’re just lonely and want to be adored for a while. But, listen, all is not well in Pedestal Land, because eventually one of two things happens: you fall off your perch, OR it dissolves under your feet. And that’s when infatuation is no help to you, because it and its magnetic power are no longer there. So then what do you do? Hope for another adoring pal to become enamoured of you? Go after another “Love Fix” yourself? But remember, it’s not even really love; it’s a synthetic replacement that disintegrates the first time you show your true colors.



Then there’s those of you who like being UNDER the pedestal: the doormats, the foot wipes. Y’all are addicted to loving, to adoring even the most obnoxious folks. And yet, remember again, this really isn’t loving: it’s an addiction to being a victim, to being used, and is probably a behavior learned in childhood or at least an attitude adopted at that time.

I know you’re asking, “Well, if such blind adoration isn’t love, then what IS real love?” The realest kind of love is often that of a parent for a child, the unconditional variety that says: I love you no matter how you are, even if you misbehave, get dirty, wet your pants, eat with your hands, and get bad grades. I love you whether you’re fat or thin, plain or pretty, smart or not, and no matter what you believe or whatever you do. This is the ideal kind of love that we should have for a mate. Now I admit that some of us are hard tested by our loved ones at many times. They do makes us mad (or sad) sometimes, and I’m certainly not suggesting that you seek out a Significant Other with a bladder problem. But truth be told, if you really do love someone and they are the incontinent sort, you’ll bring them some “Depends” with their next bouquet of flowers. Yes, even that will not stop you from loving someone if you really do.

Now I know y’all hate advice, but I’ll give it anyway, and then you can choose to ignore me if you’re ornery and like to do things the hard way. So here it is: you can’t change people. They can only change themselves. So if you want love in your life, you’ll have to love people the way they are. If there’s something you don’t like about your latest gal pal or boy toy, and if you REALLY want love in your life, then you’d better learn to love that thing you don’t like, because it’s there for life, for better or for worse. And when you can love that person the way he or she is, even when they are being The Ultimate Jerk, without losing your own identity, then you’ve got it: TRUE LOVE. And if you can stick with your Significant Other throughout the bad times as well as the good, then you’ve got it. True Love. How about, can you love this person if they gain weight, lose their hair, get a disease? If yours is an unequivocal “yes!” then you’ve got True Love.

And what if your answer to one of those questions is NO? Maybe you need to learn something about what True Love is. Or maybe that person just isn’t the one for you. One thing’s for sure: it’s not True Love. True Love isn’t dreamy eyes; it isn’t physical lust, and it isn’t personality addiction. In the movies, we like to see pretty people, lustful and dreamy, who “can’t live without each other”. These people are, for one thing, imaginings, and for another, sick imaginings. I have a friend who has refused to let her female children watch Disney movies so they won't be misled about women's roles by them. I like that idea, actually!

More important today is the individual who is just as comfortable being alone as with others: a well balanced, fascinating person who is interested in something (not just focused on or “living for” someone) and who feels good about who he or she is. If you think another person is going to “fill up the holes in you", you are sadly mistaken. Besides, I can’t think of anybody more annoying than a so-called Prince Charming who can’t look at anything besides me and who needs to call 5 times a day for contact. I was married to someone like that, and it wasn't fun, or love, either. Sweet words won’t sway me if I know they are bullsh** (or if I know it is clingy BS).

How to gain a girl's attention? Ben Franklin knew: pay homage to her mind, and then you'll get the rest of the body. Or, I say to both guys and girls, just be yourself. Don’t try to impress me. Just be you. What are you interested in? Talk about it, and talk about yourself, but not too much. Guys whose only topic of conversation is themselves are plentiful and boring too; remember to keep the conversation two way. That means we can talk about me too, but again, not too much.

Just be an interesting person to do stuff with, whether it’s to talk or not to talk. Sometimes it’s great to have a partner just to be quiet with. You don’t have to try hard to find the perfect pal or to be one: just be genuinely you, and you’ll naturally attract the perfect partner. If you try too hard or push too much, you’ll only set your potential partners running away, so let people know that “what you see is what you get”. If they like it, they’ll stick around all on their own without you having to get out a collar and chain. And don’t lie about you are, what you like, etc. If you like at all, you are up the S creek, because you won’t attract a real or lasting match for yourself, and besides, you’re bound to get found out eventually. Never try to be someone you’re not.

One thing more: you don’t really NEED a relationship. It’s nice, it can be fun, comforting, even exciting, but the main person on earth that you need to get to know is YOU. When you’ve accomplished this and enjoy your own company and can be fine with solitude, THEN you’re really ready for Real Relationship and True Love. In the relationship biz, we know that love needs can be met in many ways, with family and friends, with meaningful and purposeful work with others, even with pets!

But a love partnership these days is about becoming a true partnership, two individuals each leading exciting lives and then sharing the excitement with each other when they get in each other’s company. Partners are each other’s moral support group, cheering one another on to accomplish their individual dreams, which may or may not happen to coincide with each other. But if the True Love is there, it doesn’t matter if the paths are different. The freedom of unconditional love is a commitment to allow each other to pursue desired paths, come what may. Even Mom and Dad did that, in their own way.

For those of you who haven’t yet found this highly idealistic state in life and for those of you who think this is all a bunch of hooey, here’s a little mud in your eye: For all I’ve said, every person you’re with is already your perfect partner AT THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME, no matter how screwed up they (and therefore you too) are. Every partnership is holy, whether we think we feel love or whether we don’t feel any at all, because our relationships are showing us every day how we are progressing (or not) on the path of life. How are you doing? Look at your relationships with others, and you will see reflected back at you your own personal progress and self-growth. That said, I hope you are respecting others and that you are requiring that they be respectful of you, even while you love them with all their flaws. And that, my friends is LOVE.
Love ya, Booklady
http://www.loveinloveout.com